What Causes Perfectionism? Where It Comes From and Why You Can't Just Switch It Off

Perfectionism is the need for everything you do to be flawless, and the harsh self-judgement that comes when it isn't.

From the outside, it can look a lot like high standards. The difference shows up in what it does to you:

• High standards move you forward. You aim high, do the work, learn from your mistakes and finish.

• Perfectionism stops you. You delay starting, check things again and again, and leave projects unfinished because they're never good enough to show anyone.

A simple test: does your standard help you act, or keep you stuck?

I go deeper into this in Am I a Perfectionist?

The short answer: perfectionism usually starts as a way to feel safe, or to feel worthy.

Most often it begins in childhood. Either you had to grow up too fast and there was no room for mistakes, or love and approval seemed to depend on how well you did. Research also links perfectionism to high parental expectations and criticism.

Then it sticks. Because for high achievers, it works. Until it doesn't.

In my work with clients, I see two main routes in.

When I look back at the perfectionists I've coached, one pattern comes up again and again. They became the responsible one far too early. (All client names in this article are changed.)

Amelia grew up in a chaotic household. Her mum couldn't hold things together, so Amelia did. She looked after her younger siblings and, at the same time, she was expected to bring home excellent results. She did both. She was a brilliant student. And she carried the belief that everything depended on her.

Carla had to parent her younger brother. She also grew up with very little money and decided, somewhere along the way, that she was "stupid". Years later she had a high-flying career, surrounded by very successful people, and still felt like the one who didn't belong. So she put enormous pressure on herself to be better than everyone. The result? She procrastinated for hours and struggled to finish projects.

When you're the grown-up as a child, mistakes feel dangerous. If you get it wrong, there's no one to catch you. So you learn to never get it wrong.

Researchers call this pattern parentification: a child taking on the role of a parent. The research is still young, but early studies link it to higher perfectionism (study). It matches what I see in my coaching practice.

Not every perfectionist had a hard childhood. Some had a lovely one.

I know an entrepreneur who talks openly about this. She grew up with loving, supportive, very successful parents. She had every opportunity. She also had very high expectations to live up to.

Somewhere along the way, she learned that achieving was how you earned your worth. Good results brought praise, attention and warmth. So she kept achieving. And anything less than perfect started to feel like losing that love.

If this sounds more like you, you might be thinking, "But I had a good childhood. My parents only wanted the best for me." Both can be true. You can be deeply loved and still learn that you're only as good as your last result.

Research backs this up. A large study by Thomas Curran (LSE) and Andrew Hill (York St John University) looked at almost 24,000 university students in the UK, US and Canada between 1989 and 2021. Higher parental expectations and criticism were linked to more perfectionism, and expectations had the bigger effect of the two. Over those 32 years, students' sense of parental expectations rose by around 40% (LSE). The study shows a link and can't prove one caused the other. But it fits with what I see.

Sometimes, yes. Growing up with chaos, harsh criticism or a parent you couldn't rely on can leave a deep need to control everything. Being perfect becomes a way to stay safe.

But trauma is only one route. As you've seen, perfectionism can also grow in a loving, stable home.

So where does coaching fit? Coaching and therapy work beautifully together, and each has its own job.

Therapy is the place to heal the past, especially if it still feels heavy, or if perfectionism comes with constant anxiety or thoughts you can't switch off. Coaching focuses on where you go from here: changing the patterns that hold you back today, in your work and your life.

Not sure which one you need right now? Read Coaching vs Therapy: Which One Do You Need?

Here's the uncomfortable part. Perfectionism worked.

It got you the grades. The promotion. The clients who said, "Wow, this is incredible." Every time it paid off, your brain filed it away as proof: being perfect keeps me safe, and it makes me successful.

So why would it let go?

The trouble starts when life asks for something new. A bigger role. A team to lead. Your own business. Suddenly the thing that made you successful starts holding you back.

As long as someone else set the bar and the deadline (a teacher, a boss, a client), the fear pushed you to work harder. And you finished.

But when the stakes get bigger and more personal, there's no clear "done" and no one tells you it's good enough, the fear wins. You stop finishing. Sometimes you stop starting.

The pattern that got you here can be the very one keeping you from the next level.

My clients always knew, logically, that perfectionism wasn't helping them. Knowing didn't change a thing.

Here's why.

A thought comes up: "Everyone will see I'm not good enough." With it comes a feeling. Embarrassment. Feeling stupid, inferior, like a mess.

That feeling floods your body, and you have no idea what to do with it. To your nervous system, anything less than perfect feels like danger.

So you react before you even notice. You don't decide to procrastinate. You only realise later: "I've just lost two hours. I still haven't touched that project. What's wrong with me?"

And that question brings the same feelings straight back. Shame. Feeling stupid. Not good enough. So the next time that project is waiting, it feels even more dangerous to start.

That's how the self-criticism keeps the whole pattern going.

Perfectionists think in black and white. It's a success or a failure. Brilliant or useless.

There's no space in between for learning. No room for the setbacks every new skill involves.

At school, you had teachers reminding you that mistakes are part of learning. Early in your career, maybe you were lucky to have a manager who said, "You'll be bad at this before you get good at it. That's normal."

But when you're the boss, or you work for yourself, no one says that anymore. And over time, you forgot it.

This one matters most.

The moment you make a mistake, the self-attack starts. No kindness, no support, no "it's okay, you'll learn".

Now think about it. How can you change if every attempt is met with criticism? You might push through for a while. But you can't keep it up when your own mind is against you.

Nina grew up in a very unstable home. If she didn't make sure the bills were paid and there was food in the cupboard, nobody would. At a young age, she was the grown-up.

Her mum was also very critical. Nothing was ever good enough. So Nina became the child who caused no trouble. A great student. Always responsible. Never a mistake, because there was no one to catch her if she fell.

As an adult, she built a six-figure business. And she was incredibly harsh with herself. Every small mistake turned into hours of self-criticism.

When we worked together, she discovered where her perfectionism had started. That helped. But what changed things was learning to be on her own side:

• Self-compassion. A new way of speaking to herself when things went wrong.

• Working with her body. Feeling the embarrassment and fear, instead of running from them, until they naturally passed.

• Self-forgiveness. Making it normal to get things wrong.

Slowly, she relaxed into a simple truth. "I've already built a six-figure business. It's okay if I make a mistake."

In her business, the fear showed up with her team. She felt like a burden asking people to do their jobs, even though she was paying them. When someone underperformed, she froze. Raising it made her feel "bitchy", and she was terrified of not being liked.

So we worked on that exact fear: "What if someone doesn't like me?" She learned to feel it in her body and let it pass, instead of running from it.

After a few practices, something amazing happened. The feeling stopped coming up at all.

Asking her team for things became easy. Dealing with underperformance became much easier too. She was kinder to herself. And because she no longer had to do everything perfectly herself, she started using her team properly.

Then she went further. She redesigned her business to fit her life, instead of sacrificing her life to make the business work. She made room for hobbies, her health and her personal life.

That's what life looks like when perfectionism no longer decides for you.

Knowing where your perfectionism comes from is useful. You can't transform what you're not aware of and what you don't understand. It also helps you be kinder to yourself. It made sense once. It kept you safe.

But I'm going to say this with love: you can spend years analysing your childhood and still be living the same life.

In my coaching, we look at the roots a little. Then we ask a much more useful question:

Does this pattern help you become who you want to be and achieve what you want to achieve? Or does it hold you back?

If it holds you back, we change the behaviour. In two places:

• In your mind: learning to speak to yourself with compassion, and to see mistakes as part of learning.

• In your body: learning that you can survive feeling silly, stupid, inferior or like a failure. It's a feeling in your body. It passes.

The more you can feel without running, the less perfectionism has to protect you from.

If you want the practical steps, read How to Overcome Perfectionism .

So here's my question for you. Where did your perfectionism come from? And more importantly, is it still serving you?

Usually because, at some point, being perfect made you feel safe or worthy. Maybe you had to be the responsible one too early. Maybe praise and love seemed to come with results. Later, perfectionism kept paying off in your career, so it stayed.

You can learn it from them. Research links high parental expectations and criticism to perfectionism, and expectations had the stronger link. That doesn't make your parents bad people. Most were doing their best.

They often go together. Perfectionism keeps you on high alert for mistakes, and that can feel a lot like constant anxiety.

If you recognise yourself in this article and you're ready to actually change the pattern, let's talk.

Email me to book a short get-to-know call.

• LSE: Rising parental expectations linked to perfectionism (Curran & Hill, 2022)

• IJIP: Parentification and perfectionism study